The beginning of real life...

Well the boyfriend got his job at Sega and he started this week with two training sessions. It's been very strange being in his house without him around...i've not liked it much but i am glad that he's enjoying his new work.

On Monday he starts work properly with the first of his nights shift...i'm going to struggle to sleep without him but it is a nice thought that he'll be back around 10am to creep back into bed with me!

Oh well, now that he has this job he has been thinking a lot harder about our relationship and he's decided that he would like us both to move to London...that way instead of spending £100 a week commuting he can put that money towards rent. So yesterday i started my own job search and also did a bit of searching around for flats. We have quite a good budget between us so i don't think that will be the hard part...finding me a job might take a lot longer though!

I'm thinking very positively though. Someone is bound to give me a job eventually plus i feel very happy about where our relationship is going. It's lovely to know that someone wants to be with me so badly!

London's Calling...

I am currently sat in a hotel in London typing this...ahhh...it's sooooo nice to be here again!

I must say that secretly i do love London. OK, the people can be frustratingly rude on occasions and all public transport is an absolute hellish nightmare where you feel like rats travelling through sewers...but apart from that it really is a beautiful place to be and one i would recommend visiting.

The reason why i am currently here is because my boyfriend has a job interview at Sega Europe tomorrow and instead of a mad dash tomorrow morning to try and make it we decided that it would be so much easier to have a lazy day sight seeing and then reside here for the night...it was definitely a good choice!

To be honest i was not happy at all this morning though. I do not like this job that he has gone for. OK, it would be a great step into the games industry for him but unfortunately it's mostly night shift work for 4 days a week...he can't afford to live here just yet so he will have to commute and i believe it will just leave him too exhausted to do anything. I've never trusted night work...i really don't think it's good for the body at all. But nevermind, it's up to him so i'm trying to stay silent about it all and positive for him.

Either way i have ended up having a lovely day. I love sight seeing...even if i've done it all before! I've taken some pictures on my iPhone and they're not the greatest (understatement...they're pretty rubbish!) but i'm going to put them up on here anyways. I've had a fun day and what to share my sight seeing with everyone else!



Horse fountain in Picadilly Circus




Houses of Parliament



Lion statue by Nelsons Column




Nelson's Column



The London Eye



Buckingham Palace



Statue outside Buckingham Palace



Statue of Queen Victoria outside Buckingham Palace (not that you can really tell)

Krispy Kremes...

Chris Rock is very right about Krispy Kremes...they really should change their slogan to 'So good you'll suck a dick'.

Being from the sticks up North and seemingly away from all of Western civilisation i had never experienced Krispy Kremes before so yesterday the boyfriend took me to one in his city and we ended up buying a box of 12 assorted doughnuts.

You've probably seen my previous post and are now wondering what happened to me wanting to lose weight...well...i honestly have no excuse. I know this. I am bad. I don't even know where my resolve went - i just saw them all and literally started drooling. I couldn't help myself.

At first i thought that i might be able to resist but stupidly i decided to have a test of one of their freebie pieces...and well...after that i think i was just in sugar heaven.

So yeah...that was yesterday and now we only have 2 left...

My poor abused body...



The 12 assorted doughnuts we picked...

Ballooning with Love!

Well i am having a fantastic time here with boyfriend...i still have 2 weeks left which i'm very happy about!

Unfortunately, despite managing to drop a few pounds during my time in Cornwall (don't ask me how...i think it was all that walking because God knows i stuffed my face with everything going!) i seem to be gaining weight now faster than ever!

It's really hard when you're so comfortable with someone to lose weight and be on a healthy diet. My boyfriend can eat for England...all day everyday, and so whenever i see him eating something i always feel hungry myself and end up eating nearly the same amount! It is so bad right now i feel like i'm about 5 months pregnant...it's ridiculous!

Trouble is i don't want to go on the Wii Fit because i'm embarrassed of being on it whenever he's around because i do not want him seeing me wobbling about trying to hula hoop the weight off!

I guess i'm going to have to dig up some severe self control from somewhere and desperately try and stick to it before i end up going home after gaining a stone!!!

Thursday will be an amazing day!

Well i only have one more day to go until i get to spend 3 fabulous weeks in the company of my lovely boyfriend down in Portsmouth. I've missed him like crazy and really need to be with him so i literally cannot wait.

I am overcome with excitement!

I have 4 nightmare trains, with the first at 9am....ending at 6.50pm when i will eventually be at my destination! Yes i know, the journey is literally epic...i'm crossing the entire country and it's costing me £83 but it's so totally worth it!

My only wish right now is that this journey was a permanent one...one where i didn't have the thought of having to go back to my parents hanging over my head...but never mind, i'm going to try not to let that thought spoil my time with him!

Anyways, the point of all this is that because i haven't seen my man for about 6 weeks i'm going to be trying to spend some quality time with him meaning that i'll be posting less. However, my boyfriend has found me a laptop to use so i will try to post where possible!

I'm so happy!!

I'm 21 not five!!

First night back home from Cornwall and i already wish i was somewhere else. The way my father treats me sometimes makes this house completely unliveable in for me.

I'd packed away all my stuff, done two loads of washing, packed away the food shopping...everything i needed to and had therefore sat on my bed to check my emails, check facebook, and write up a few of my blog entries. But oh no, apparently this is not allowed...accordning to my father i'm obsessed and am on a downhill slope to nothingness because i apparently spend my 'entire life' on the laptop.

It never seems to cross his mine to occasionally ask what i'm doing instead of presuming i'm wasting my life away solely on facebook. If he dared to kindly enquire he'd find that i'm applying for jobs everyday, looking for flats, checking emails, writing my blog (which is important to me because i want a career in writing...therefore one needs to write!)...oh and of course i now have freelance work that needs to be sorted out as well - but none of this crosses my dad's mind.

It's seriously frustrating. I fully realise that when i have a proper job my time for doing things such as these will seriously be diminished...i don't live in a dream world. I wish dad could see that all he is doing is reiterating the many reasons i have for needing to move out as soon as possible.

I seriously miss my freedom.

Girls best friend...

Well i feel completely satisfied right now and mostly because i spent a ridiculous amount of money on clothes today!

Cornwall is such a great place for shopping, you can find such unique pieces if you avoid all the 'high street' shops. I got lots of pretty little dresses which will hopefully make me feel good for a while!

I also decided to try a change from my black tights obsession and bought myself a pair of leggings - and i love them! I'm not quite sure if they were designed with curvy girls in mind (not that it really matters because i always wear dresses anyways) but they're so comfortable. At first i felt too 'indie' chick and my hippy side was conflicted, but now i believe that i have embraced the change - i shall definitely be getting some more at the next opportunity!

Also, i cannot quite believe it, but my skin is also looking better after its toothpaste treatment. My skin felt smoother and my spots were smaller so i shall be continueing this until i get my prescription on Monday.

Finally, today marks the end of my Cornish trip. I shall be returning back up North into the comforting arms of my laptop - the pen and paper lark shall have to lie dormant for a while!

Minty Fresh

I feel like a right fool. My skin situation is so desperate now that as well as perservering with the skin cream from the doctors i also have toothpaste slathered all over my face. My eyes are watering, my face feels like ice, and i stink of mints. Fantastic...but if i don't do something drastic i'm really worried that my face will still be awful by the 27th when i'm due to stop at my boyfriends...no man finds acne attractive!

On a better note i finally have a job...of sorts. I've been accepted as a freelance writer which will hopefully bring a bit of money in! It's not a solid job though unfortunately, it's one that you can do on the side of a proper job...just a pity i still don't have one of those yet! Oh well, it's something to add to the old C.V. anyways...plus i've found 5 other jobs to apply for, so i've got a lot of things to sort out when i get home and not that much time to do it in!

Have your fingers crossed for me!

Head or Heart?

At the minute my entire life is so up in the air that i feel constantly conflicted when it comes to who to turn to for guidance and what to believe. I'm feeling so many emotions that it's like i'm on a never ending roller coaster...one with lots of steep plummets into the dark abyss.

I've come to the conclusion that i'm mostly ruled by my heart. Passion guides me and tries to tempt me into rushing towards complicated issues, blindly ignoring all consequences and the need for well thought out plans.

My other half is the complete opposite though. He strives to think sensibly and he believes that the best long term plans are made through this kind of thinking...however logical this may seem though it often leaves me feeling as though i'm the only one thinking about us and the life that i'd like us to have together, with him choosing work over this. Yes i am fully aware that this is totally daft, he only wants to make sure that he is financially stable before making any drastic decisions, but i am worried that this is going to take a lot longer than he believes.

I must admit that my feeling this way has become a lot worse since two close friends of ours have somehow managed to create a new life together in London with no collateral (that i know of) and no real work (at the moment...that is soon to change in a couple of days). They seem to have only considered their passion to be together and have thrust themselves straight into their life as a couple, with no thought towards where their next pay cheque is coming from - and they are both fantastically happy with this!

I am jealous to the core. They have been together 4 months less than us but their relationship has now progressed a lot further...i can honestly say that right now i have no clue when (or if) this will happen for my and my boyfriend.

One friend said to me that he didn't think their relationship would go the distance...that they've rushed into it too quickly and that we're doing the right thing by properly thinking it through - but i think he's wrong. Seems to me that they'll survive whatever may come their way.

I am fully aware that this post has been created purely through jealously...but with all this free time on my hands my brain is in overdrive. I picture our future but so far the image seems to be moving further and further away, rather than getting closer like it should.

Everything needs direction...

I have decided that because my blog follows no set path (i'll write about just about anything that interests, worries, angers, stresses me on any given day) that there should be at least a few things within it that give it a routine. Therefore i have come up with a few ideas that i shall soon be incorporating between my rants...these are nothing new or revolutionary but they interest me and i have high hopes that you guys will enjoy them too (though please do comment if you think this is a bad idea) - either way they're something different to look out for!

Quote of the week
- Now i'm not planning on going down the usual route of digging up famous quotes and posting them on here...instead i'm hoping to choose things i hear on the street or from friends, that way there will be some humour involved...or at least i hope so!

Picture of the week
- Preferably something taken from real life but i shall be trying to avoid disheartening stuff...again i'm hoping to opt for humour here, something to put a smile on our faces!

Book of the week/month
- Either something i'm reading or have read before...not just modern literature but the classics too; books that i believe everyone should take a chance to enjoy!

Movie of the month
- Must see films to rent, buy, or watch at the cinema...this goes for absolutely any genre and any certificate; some things might be in there for shock value only so some people might not enjoy them!

News item of the day
- I've put 'of the day' for now because i will be gathering this from all over the globe and if and when i can...however on ocassions there might be nothing truly newsworthy happening, and in those cases i will have nothing to post!

Tattoo of the week/month
- This could be considered a niche market...but having two tattoos myself (and wanting many more) i believe they're beautiful and some can ever be considered as modern works of art.

Must-see tv
- Not quite sure of this one yet. Being in the UK some of my 'must-see tv' might not be available to everyone...therefore i'm going to have a long think about this before i decide to do it!

That's all i've come up with so far so let me know what you think...all are open to change and some might be saved to be used at a later date anyways!

Bad skin day...everyday...

My skin just seems to be getting worse and i have absolutely no idea where i am going wrong with it. I wash my face twice a day every day and take all my makeup off - i cleanse, tone, and moisturise (all with clinique 3-step anti-blemish formula); i use an oil-free primer and try to apply as little foundation and concealer as possible (although that is rather hard with a face like mine)...and i am on a contraceptive pill that is supposed to help with skin break-outs!

I have been like this ever since i can remember, although my doctors records say i have struggled with acne since i was 13...8 years ago. I have tried every natural remedy, every shop remedy, every over the counter remedy...i drink lots of water, eat plenty of vegetables and overall i think i am a healthy person so i truly don't understand it!

I went to the doctors about it again on Friday because it's seriously beginning to make me depressed...after 8 years of enduring it i now resemble a Monet painting (alright from a distance...a complete mess up close). My face is pock-marked, scarred, and completely uneven. The doctor and i went through my options again...apparently i have tried everything bar a few things - most of which we ruled out leaving only one new remedy: azeleic acid finacea) 15% gel.

Typically whenever i decide enough is enough and go to the doctors to rethink my options my skin clears up, therefore the option of a dermatologist has never been presented to me due to the worry that such strong medication would cause more harm than good...whereas in my opinion i should have been referred to one years ago.

I again tried to reinforce my unhappiness that my skin now resembled something akin to volcanic rock...i'm 21 years old and i don't exactly have peachy youthful skin. The reply i got was very nearly heartbreaking.

You see i used to have acne EVERYWHERE. It was all over my back, neck, shouders, chest...i was riddled. But that's all gone, left no marks and has never returned. This has led my doctor to come to the conclusion that this is just my skin 'type'. There is nothing foreign causing it, it's just natural to me...therefore she said that nothing would actually get rid of it completely, the lotions and potions will limit them and keep most at bay but i have to wait until i grow out of them...which might never happen.

So while i liberally apply my new cream as i stare at my hideous complexion in the mirror i wonder how bad i'm going to look in 5 years time. Two days ago my skin was very nearly clear...now i'm covered again. I feel ugly and very disheartened.

My poor boyfriend tries his best as well...he tells me i'm beautiful everyday, that my skin is fine and that i look wonderful without makeup...but all i see are spots, bumps, and flaws.

If this is my skin for the rest of my life i'd better start saving for some kind of plastic surgery now...i just hope there's an end to this.

Look but don't touch...

There is really only one issue with Cornwall and it's something that you would never expect up North...tanned attractive men!

Ok, some of you are probably trying to figure out what said issue is with regards to this, and in most circumstances there isn't one...as long as you're single.

Now don't jump the gun, this isn't me confessing my infidelity to the world, i can honestly say i would never cheat on my boyfriend...he's my best friend and lover all rolled into one and i couldn't imagine life without him (although this long distance thing does give me a taste of it...something that i hope to be over with in the not too distant future)...however some harmless flirting wouldn't hurt anybody...would it?

I'm not talking about genuinely open flirtation here...i would never go up to a guy and start a risque conversation up with them, and if i saw a guy trying to do that with me i would tell them in no uncertain terms that i am a taken woman - there's no point letting people believe there's a chance when there definitely isn't...i'm thinking about the truely innocent flirting.

For example, walking home from dinner tonight a group of guys walked past on my side of the pavement...all around 25 years old, beautiful golden tans, dark hair and relaxed 'beachy' clothing. The guy in the middle caught my eye...i can't help saying that he was gorgeous and suffice it to say i was shocked when he looked me straight in the eyes and gave me a naughty smile...his eyes following my face until we'd walked past each other. I was stunned, exhilerated and feeling slightly guilty.

Is this kind of flirtation wrong? It had no negative affect that i can think of...i felt attractive because of the attention, it was playful (sort of a quick glimpse into the world of singledom)...and it was refreshing. I didn't think at all that he was the kind of guy i wanted, that i'd made a mistake and still craved single life...the total opposite in fact as it made me miss my boyfriend even more, i want that attention off him and that's what i truely crave. Yet i still felt the pang of guilt that made me feel ashamed of what had just happened.

Being human is certainly a funny thing...i often wonder whether we were meant to fall in love at all...that maybe our weak and frail bodies cannot cope with the heartache and power of it - it makes us feel too many thoughts to be able to handle sometimes...obviously!

Daddy's girl...

I don't honestly understand what went wrong with my relationship with my father, we just don't seem to understand each other anymore.

I can't even pinpoint a time when it all began to go downhill but i think it must've happened at some point during my second year of university.

At first i hated uni and i was constantly calling my dad in tears for comfort and guidance...but a few months down the line that all changed. It changed even more during my second year when i got my first uni boyfriend and i began spending more and more time at uni throughout the Easter, Summer and Christmas breaks....by third year i was in my element. Being my own person totally suited me and i began turning to dad less and less, choosing instead to turn to my fun loving mother.

Now all we seem to do is argue and bicker...not one day will pass when we don't snap at each other and my dad has frequently started telling me to "f--k off" during these heated moments.

I'm trying seriously hard during this break away to think before i speak in hope to avoid these situations but it seems that no matter what i do or say it's always wrong.

I miss the days when i used to love spending time with my father...even choosing him over my friends.

Those days weren't even that long ago...



Me and my dad during better times at the guinness sky bar in Dublin.

Long live the King...

Where is the sunshine?!

I desperately need this week away to bring some colour to my skin - a week indoors from swine flu has left me bordering on see through...well apart from my excess of freckles.

Have had rather a lazy Sunday in all respects, done nothing really apart from spend all day wandering around the town and occassionally stopping at places for something to eat. This trip is going to leave me positively fat - i'm start to get rather paranoid about it! I am forced to eat whenever the parentals do, which quite often means finding myself with a piece of cake shoved in front of my face. I am not even able to say that i'm not hungry because that just leads to aggrivation (i used to count calories obsessively, at one point going as far as limiting myself to 500 a day...i dropped from 13 stone to 8 and a half and ever since this my parents think im starting to go downhill again if i don't eat whenever everyone else does). Oh well, thank god i brought the Wii and Wii fit with me, methinks i'll be on that tonight!

OK, rant over...now to the date. It's the anniversary of Elvis's death today and i don't know if it's just me but since Michael Jackson's sad departure this seems even more poignant. Fame to me seems to be a very dangerous thing for people who are probably not emotionally stable enough to handle it.

Who lets these stars get so riddled with drugs? I don't understand it...are people around them so busy concentrating on trying to get the most money out of them that they can't see their imminant downfall? Elvis...Michael...even Heath Ledger who was really in his prime. I honestly wouldn't be suprised if people like Britney Spears or Lyndsey Lohan went the same way as well. Everything to live for, fantastic careers...but all so deeply troubled and unhappy.

Some things are just not worth dying for. Makes me think that i'd definitely rather be poor like i am now than live the lives that they do.

Money definitely can't buy you happiness...or love for that matter.

Spoilt Rotten

Well first night in Cornwall and it's already so different from last years trip with the parentals...it's more disappointing.

I think the fault lies with the fact that we were truely spoilt last year with our choice of house - 3 floors (dad had one to himself with his own kitchen, bathroom, and living room...always a bonus)...lovely big living room looking directly out onto the sea:

View from last years house

...and my room had two balconies which were just lush at night. This year we only managed to find one place suitable in the same town (we like them big so it's always a problem...plus mum and dad are divorced so we need three seperate bedrooms...don't ask why we still 'holiday' together, it's way too complicated!)...and unfortunately it's a twenty minute walk away from the town centre meaning no lovely views and no sea front setting.

It is way too big for three; it has 4 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, a big dining room (with a piano)...a double living room...the list goes on. In fact my room has a king sized bed, a huge en-suite with a seperate shower and bath (both big enough to easily accomodate two people) and a walk in changing room type thing! I shall try and get some pictures up at some point but right now i haven't uploaded any.

You may think this all sounds perfectly nice...and it is...but it's just not as good. Therefore the atmosphere tonight was definitely not as harmoneous as last year. We tried to fix it by going for a late night wander into town, forgetting that it's a Saturday night and a complete nightmare! Jam packed full of drunken rowdy teenagers (yes i know that i'm not exactly over the hill myself but sometimes with my parents i feel like i've aged about 50 years)...so in the end we just came back and called it a night. Not good.

Oh well, you can't have it all and we'll get used to the fact that this house, despite being perfectly pleasant, isn't a patch on the last one. I am just going to try my hardest to be agreeable and hope that tomorrow we're all on our best behaviour and chipper - no matter what comes our way!

...on a lighter note it's mine and the boyfriends 9 month 'anniversary' today...whoop!

No blogs for a week!

Well, i'm off to Cornwall tomorrow morning for a week and unfortunately there is no wireless in the house we're staying at so that means i'm going to have to leave my poor laptop at home...which i actually really hate doing, i feel sorta lost without it! I think it's the same kind of feeling i'd get if i found out i'd left the house without my treasured iPhone.

Anyways, despite all the packing i've done (and still have to do) i found time to sneak out and buy myself a little project book and shall be writing in that instead and then posting my musings up when i get back. God knows what i'm going to do when i disappear again to Portsmouth for 3 and a bit weeks!! Still haven't decided whether i want to take my laptop to that...hmmm...anyways i'll think of that later!

So i hope everyone has a fantastic week (including me!)...i will be writing during my insomniac 'turns' in the Cornish night!!

Au Revoir!

Dyed my hair...

Well...i did it...kind of. I made the first step and dyed it back to its original colour (dark blonde bordering on brown). I've had it on for about 6 hours now and i'm still not getting used to it...to tell you the truth i HATE it. I'm not sure if it's the colour (which let's face it is uber dull) or the fact that it is so much darker than normal. Hmm. I thought i wanted to make the first step to take it to a lovely dark brown...but right now i'm just relieved i put on a non-permanent colour instead. I look like me but in a wig. It's not good!

I showed my dad, who actually didn't even noticed i'd dyed it at first before saying "it doesn't even look like you...but i like it" (thanks dad), then i walked to my mums and showed her, she said; "I thought you were going to go brown? It's a bit of a 'nothing' colour..."....yeah, thanks mum, i realised this...that's why i dyed my hair really blonde in the first place! Nightmare...i took a photo and sent it to the boyfriend who replied; "if you really don't like it baby then just dye it back!"...notice he said absolutely nothing about the colour!

Oh well, all i know is that i can't handle it right now...i thought i wanted change but now i just want to retreat back to safety very quickly (which is why i went straight back out and bought my 'natural baby blonde' colour). I think if my hair was a good 5 inches longer it might suit...that or if i didn't have a fringe (which isn't really possible with me because i frown a lot and at 21 i already have an epic amount of frown lines there!).

Nevermind, test over...definitely not ready for change!

Keepin' the Dream Alive

Just some lyrics that i am really loving right now...

Freiheit: Keepin' the Dream Alive

Tonight the rain is falling
Full of memories of people and places
And while the past is calling
In my fantasy I remember their faces

The hopes we had were much too high
Way out of reach but we have to try
The game will never be over
Because we're keeping the dream alive

I hear myself recalling
Things you said to me
The night it all started
And still the rain is falling
Makes me feel the way
I felt when we parted

The hopes we had were much too high
Way out of reach but we have to try
No need to hide no need to run
'Cause all the answers come one by one
The game will never be over
Because we're keeping the dream alive

I need you
I love you

The game will never be over
Because we're keeping the dream alive

The hopes we had were much too high
Way out of reach but we have to try
No need to hide no need to run
'Cause all the answers come one by one

The hopes we had were much too high
Way out of reach but we have to try
No need to hide no need to run
'Cause all the answers come one by one

The game will never be over
Because we're keeping the dream alive

The game will never be over
Because we're keeping the dream alive

The game will never be over

2.4 million jobless people in Britain...how are we all meant to compete?

Sometimes i wonder why i even bother with the news some days...they may as well hand out ropes to hang ourselves with instead, that would be a lot more cheerful!

Today i found this: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/8196549.stm

1.58 million people on unemployment benefits, which soon increase by +2 when my boyfriend goes for his interview on Friday and i go for mine in around 5 weeks.

Seriously, we can't get jobs because of the current climate and the competition so are currently having to live off our poor parents (and mine are doing their very best to make sure that i have money and savings...but they are both twice divorced and struggle themselves)...so what are our other options? A masters degree? Yeah would be nice to escape the desperate jobseeking world for another year...if we could afford it!

...the full impact of joblessness among those who recently left school or college and are now looking for work is not reflected in these figures and has yet to be felt

...well believe me i'm certainly feeling it and so are the rest of my recently graduated friends who can't find work...including those who graduated last year and are STILL looking!

Someone better sort this situation out soon because not only will the figures continue to raise but there will be less and less money to go round for the jobless too.

unemployment continues to rise remorselessly, with no early respite

...most depressing statement ever.

Jobless and Bored!

Trouble with being home all the time is the boredom...serious, never ending, monotonous...boredom. I've spent the last three years studying, partying, making friends...and now i'm at home alone (for most of the day) and it's making the immediate future look rather bleak. I still cannot believe that come September i'm not going back to my university lifestyle...and knowing second years and seeing all their excited 'freshers week' statuses on facebook is driving me insane!

I've applied for god knows how many jobs so far but to no avail...and ok i'm having a week break in Cornwall coming up this Saturday and then a week after that i'm staying with my boyfriend for 3 weeks (CANNOT WAIT!)...but what about after that? Unfortunately that would be signing onto jobseekers, attending meetings and hoping to god that something comes up soon...i'll do pretty much anything right now! I really REALLY need to start saving some money so me and my boyfriend can move in together because this whole 'distant relationship' thing is killing me. To show the exact distance here is a rather depressing map:



Where i live is at the top of the country and where my boyfriend live is at the bottom...as you can see, that's a rather long journey (up to 4 trains and around an 8 and a half hour journey...ridiculous).

So yeah, unfortunately this 3 week trip is likely to be my last long trip to his...meaning that all both him and me can do from then on is work our sorry asses off to save up enough money to move in together...whenever that might be. To be honest, we need a serious talk about all this because i'm beginning to panic rather a lot!

This boredom of being back home again with very little to do is making me become totally sick with everything, even myself. I am so utterly bored with my appearance now as well that this week i'm going to dye my hair brown...which for me is a BIG change, because for a long time now i have loved being uber blonde:



Me: some may not consider this 'uber' blonde but to me it is as i am really rather pale!

So to decide to dye my hair brown is a big thing to me. Another thing i'm totally frustrated with is my figure...sitting on my arse all day does nothing for the bum, tum, hips and thighs...that's for sure! To be honest i am standing in front of the mirror everyday and just picking flaws with everything that i see...and i do believe that this is partially out of boredom (and partially because i'm rather vain i must admit).

So...yeah...this is me ranting...a lot, i can see that...but sometimes a girl needs to let these things out. I need a release...i need...a job!!!

When i am old i shall start to wear purple...

When I Am an Old Woman I Shall Wear Purple

By Jenny Joseph




When I am an old woman, I shall wear purple

with a red hat that doesn't go, and doesn't suit me.

And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves

and satin candles, and say we've no money for butter.

I shall sit down on the pavement when I am tired

and gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells

and run my stick along the public railings

and make up for the sobriety of my youth.

I shall go out in my slippers in the rain

and pick the flowers in other people's gardens

and learn to spit.



You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat

and eat three pounds of sausages at a go

or only bread and pickles for a week

and hoard pens and pencils and beer nuts and things in boxes.



But now we must have clothes that keep us dry

and pay our rent and not swear in the street

and set a good example for the children.

We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.

But maybe I ought to practice a little now?

So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised

When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.

Jobseekers allowance...another way of our backward British government to make us all wonder what the point in saving actually is?

Sometimes i really wonder why so many people want to come to this country when us actual Britons are so shocked by the state of this badly run and badly thought out island that we're all considering just packing up and shipping out!

Due to the state of the current economy a lot of new graduates just like me are finding it seriously difficult to get a job, let alone even be considered for one, and therefore are having to turn to jobseekers allowance. Now despite the fact that we have to queue up with 'dole scum', i.e. people who happily live off the hard earned money of tax payers so that they can drink all day and not have to work at all (and this isn't just me being politically incorrect...me and my boyfriend saw them outside a Portsmouth job centre drinking cans of cider while waiting to go inside), the rewards of just an interview every two weeks showing that we are actually looking for jobs (and believe me i am) is actually not too bad...£50.94 a week. However, this is as long as you don't have more than £6,000 worth of savings...and definitely not if you have over £16,000 worth. Up until £6,000 you're safe as houses, you get the full amount - happy as larry...but the more savings you have the more allowance gets taken away from you...and if you have £16,000...well, don't even bother.

Now this really really angers me. Why should we be punished for saving our money for our futures? Why should we be forced to spend our hard earned money in situations like this when people who haven't bothered to save a penny...or to work for a living...get off scot free? The government should be rewarding people like me, and my parents, for putting a little aside every now and then for both their futures and mine...why should we be penalised when it comes to things that the government offer for people with no money? Why should we get nothing when they get everything? Yes OK you could argue that this is the reason that people like me have savings...but to me it's really not...if i can't get work i should be offered the exact same amount as the other people who can't get work...savings or no savings.

The government is always giving us tips on how to be frugal with our money and save for a rainy day...but some of us prefer to save for our old age, because god knows we're not going to get a pension any time soon. So what's the point? Why don't we just be frivolous and live off everyone else like a lot of people within this country do? I'll tell you why...because if we didn't have savings then those people wouldn't have homes, wouldn't have food...and wouldn't be able to spend their days drinking cider outside job centres. Quite frankly, i think it's disgusting.

Still at death's door...but finding things to cheer me up!

Well it's my 6th day of bed rest, vitamin c drinks, paracetmols, and a million vapour release tissues...and it's really beginning to bring me down! I have so much stuff to do this week that i really cannot afford to be ill for much longer! I'm going to my mum's home county of Cornwall on Saturday for a week-long break (in the sun...hopefully, but it is England, so who knows!) and i need to get out into town and sort everything for that - and right now it's not looking good! Also, i have finally managed to sort out some dates to see my wonderful boyfriend and i would very much like to go book those tickets at the travel agents...so yeah, being ill is definitely not good for me right now!

Thankfully despite this i am finding things to cheer me up (the thought of booking those tickets is one of them). I made a request to '20 Something Bloggers' the other day and thankfully they have accepted me into their group! I recommend them for anyone who has just started writing or has had a blog for a long time - the group is designed to help introduce you to other bloggers around the world and show you what everyone else is writing! It is really interesting to see what other people are getting up to and seeing the determination of young people to get their voices heard. It feels nice to be part of this type of community!

If you're reading this and you have a blog yourself but you've never heard of 20 something bloggers then check it out:
www.20sb.net
I'm sure you'll be pleasantly surprised!

Twenties...the time of our lives?

I have very recently turned 21 and have been cruely flung into the real world like a piece of unwanted carrot off a childs plate. Maybe i have been wearing rose tinted glasses the entirity of my young life but i thought that now was when all my hopes and dreams were meant to be coming together? Instead i have found myself swimming the mirky waters of lonliness, helplessness, and worst of all....jobseekers allowance (which, and this is going to make me sound terribly naive and snobby, i thought was only designed for the lazy or the old). I am really not looking forward to dragging myself to my nearest jobcentre and standing inside it's bleak walls begging for someone to fix my life for me.

For the past 20 years i feel like i've been coccooned in a soft and cuddly world and have only just found out the truth, that the world is in fact harsh, rocky and jagged...a place where no one seems to happily exist. I'm not the only one who is thinking this either. The few friends that i talk to regularly, all of the same age and all recently graduated, seem to have been marooned on the same island as me and are wondering when the boat to safety is going to come.
Isn't your 20's a year for travel, excitement, lust, love, gorgeous flats, and romantic weddings...or is all that the fairy tale of the 21st century now? I find it sad that i'm beginning to wonder all this, especially when i do have a wonderful love in my life...but as the 21st century seems to go, he is 8 and a half hours away from me and also in the same desperate situation.

Right now i don't have an answer to any of this. I feel totally and utterly lost and bewildered as to what to do and what path to take. We are meant to be the future of this country...but how can we be when this country seems to be falling apart around us?




Me and the BF at our graduation...before the dream ended!

'Big drop in new swine flu cases'...erm...not in my house!!

So typically just as the BBC announces that swine flu cases in Britain are dropping...i get swine flu. After all my ranting about "oh it's only a cold, why is everyone so worried?" it is my turn to face my mortality as i get this dreaded virus. Well so far i'm surviving...just. OK, that's me exaggerating a bit but i have definitely not felt this bad in a very long time. Past three days i have more or less been hiding in bed with the lights off trying not to throw up and cursing every loud noise for sending a shudder of pain through my head. I think i'm reaching the end of it but it's been four days and i have definitely had enough!

So now i totally sympathise with everyone else who has suffered through this and i take it back - it's much more than a trifling cold! So please, karma...make me well again!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/8188027.stm

"Meanwhile, the World Health Organization has announced that the first swine flu vaccines are likely to be licensed for use in the general population in September."
...typical!

Post-University Depression

Well i have actually lost count of how long i've been back home for but it must have been around 3 weeks now, however it is already beginning to feel like an eternity! I've got to say that this is definitely not what i expected after graduating from university, at the time it seemed so glamorous to think that i was now going to be thrust into the big wide world and that all my dreams were going to come true...however now i've realised it is quite the opposite! God knows how many jobs i've applied for so far but i've either been turned down or ignored. I am now beginning to realise that i'm either going to have to take 'any old job' to see me through or stay living off my parents for god only knows how long!

I realise that i am not the only one despairing over this but quite a few people have managed to land on their feet straight away and i'm just wondering how?! I have absolutely no doubt that they are talented because all the people that i know are, but i can't help but admit that i am extremely jealous of how quickly some peoples lives appear to be working out. What i want in life is really quite simple, or so i would have thought. I'd like a job writing as a living - be it copywriting, journalism, scriptwriting, administration type work...anything really; i'd like to move in with my boyfriend...and i'd like to be happy. Where have i gone wrong?! OK, i admit that not enough time has passed to truely despair over my situation yet but i'm beginning to panic about my choices in life...did i go down the wrong road??

http://www.guardian.co.uk/education/2001/feb/13/highereducation.news

This article is a very interesting read and one quote stood out for me as it pretty much describes how i feel right now; "University is for yourself, for your personal development. In the corporate world, no one cares about you."